Do you ever just have something that eats at you, and bothers you way longer than it should? Something that is in the past (obviously), and there's absolutely nothing gained by allocating even a bit of your intellect to that lost cause?
Yeah, I have way to many things that match this description. That sad thing - my awareness of this, doesn't necessarily prevent me from thinking about it still.
The thing that bothers me the most, and probably the reason I've been in a funk the last 5-6 years, is.......Basketball.
As an incoming freshman at a division 3 school, I didn't necessarily have hopes of starting, but I at least hoped I'd get some chances to play my first year. I settled on a D3 school because in my heart I always wanted to be closer to all my family in the midwest and what better way than to take a 4 year vacation out there?? As we progressed through the first year I realized something - this was NOT the program I should have come to play at. The coach basically tried referring to his offense as a 'run & gun' style, but still had a post player in at all times (not myself, whoever basically had seniority, and put up with his bullshit for 2-3 years already). How people could be in his system for more than 2 years without losing their fucking sanity, I have no clue .. but I digress.
Every practice was a battle to attempt to stand out. This was not easy at this time. There were multiple things affecting my confidence at this time, and I'll be the first to admit, I was not on my 'A' game at all. As an offensive player, my game was largely driven by my confidence, and when I lost the bulk of that, I suffered. Day in and day out I tried showing the coach a sign I should be out there playing over seniors/juniors in the post. Nothing convinced him. Frosh year went by and I only played 5-6 JV games. I averaged 25 and 12 on JV, but it was a joke, hardly more competitive than our high school games. I figured the stats would at least give me a chance to start some soph year.
Soph year was one of the worst years (sporting wise) in my life... sitting down at the end of the bench with people playing over me that weren't worth more than 4 points and 4 rebounds a game - and I'm not even exaggerating. I got in when/if there was a blowout, and other isolated instances (foul trouble, etc). My junior year I started a number of games. Then, over the holidays flew home for 3 days over Christmas break (had talked to an assistant coach about doing so).. I get a phone call from the head coach and apparently he didn't expect me to miss a game over break. He kicks me off the team for a week and a half, and then I lose my starting spot; and am subsequently benched for the foreseeable future.
That was it for me. I had been beaten. Basketball (and other sports too, but mostly basketball), had always been that 'one' thing I could always turn to when everything else was crumbling down around me. I could just go out to the court in my backyard, or go down to the gym, zone out and just shoot or work on post moves. A lot of things were crumbling down around me at that time (in college).. and now I had lost basketball too. I quit and actually cried as I left the gym after telling the coach. I had been mentally and emotionally defeated. Now, almost every time I play ball, I think of back in college when I just couldn't cut it.
Sure there were plenty of factors/variables at work, but I will always hold myself accountable. I should have done more, or gone somewhere else so I could have had a better experience. Now, something that used to be a 'release' for me is just a bad dream of what happened when I failed at the one thing I thought I could always have fun with.
You might wonder why the hell I bothered writing this jumbled mess tonight :) it's because it still bothers me to this day - and will probably bother me for the rest of my life, but I wanted to let you know at least one reason why I've been sort of distant the past few years. Also, I hope this can offer some comfort to those of you who feel like you never got the chance you deserved playing college sports. I know plenty of my friends who had the athleticism to excel at college sports, but never got the chance, or the money wasn't right. My message to you is: not all experiences at the collegiate level are positive. Sometimes, even in college, decisions are driven by politics and bullshit;seniority, favoritism and misguided coaches. I am to blame for my own failures, and I definitely came away with a degree, but failed miserably trying to play college sports. That in itself overshadowed most of the positive around my bachelors degree. I think that's why I am so hungry to find successes other areas in my life. Have a good night everyone! (and to anyone who is crazy / bored enough to read all of this bullshit haha... thanks... you're awesome!)
I hear you man. Believe me. I can't tell you all I've been through (physical and emotional) but believe me when I say that eventually your body is going to give out on you, whether it have been in college, professionally, or in high school. Eventually everyone must be told and accept the fact that they can't for health reasons continue to play. It doesn't matter if you were Michael Jordan or the worst player ever. Regardless of the obvious fact that we will all die, it is more devastating to realize and know you are good enough but you just had a bad hand. So fuck anyone who thinks you weren't good enough because you're already ahead in the most important game which is life.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a very strong man to admit when he is wrong and when or why he has failed. It takes an even stronger man to admit that he has cried. You're already becoming an advanced human being. Congratulations. There is a reason why we can cry...we're human. Fuck any person who says it’s wrong to cry. If you hold that shit in, it becomes negative energy that you hold in your chest for years AND it either becomes cancer in your left nut or you end up murdering your ex-wife or something.
It is so easy to be defeated by the past but the future is most promising/terrifying and you seem to be looking for things that you enjoy outside of a beloved physical activity. I think as men it is in our nature to love something we do physically well. It is perfectly normal. But to find true balance and hopefully happiness tapping into that feminine side isn’t a bad idea. Looking for things that constantly satisfy your emotions could be helpful. Because those are gonna be with you for the rest of your life and they have the potential to put your mind at peace for what is in the past, and for what might happen in the future.
It'll be ok. Writing it out is the first step of something fantastic that will happen for you. Because you’re pushing it out to make room for something that you never thought existed. It may take time but I do believe things happen for a reason. And believe me when I say you're headed for that reason. Don't go Walter White just yet...think positive and evolve.
P.S. Here are some boobies to cheer you up. (o)(o) Boobies make everything better:)
All very good points man. Thanks for the comment, meant a lot. And yes boobies always make things better hahaha
ReplyDeleteSame program ruined my love of the sport too... quitting was probably the best thing I did. I mean, when your sole goal becomes trying to figure out how the subbing process is worked out, down to the minute when a certain player goes in or comes out, you know your head isn't in the right space. Even worse when you know you sub in at the 13min mark, and start asking at 14 minutes what defense you're running.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I agree, physically draining working hard at practice (for nothing) and mentally draining always. I always think back to high school days when basketball was fun and competitive - a true positive experience. Sometimes wish I could go back to playing in a sold out gym. Remember when people actually paid to see you play? HA, none of that at D3. In the end, Westminster was about a good education and making some friendships that still last today.. I might have gone there with high hopes of making it "big" in basketball - playing my dream and getting a wonderful education at the same time - but in the end, basketball was just a small part of it. Now, as I look back on it, I know basketball taught me many things amongst them teamwork, working under pressure, time management... but more importantly, it gave me courage to stand up against my enemy ---- and quit. Working hard under pressure at its best.
I know what it feels like, Corey, to have your hobby, your go-to pick-me-up taken from you. Like, you're not worth it. But, you are! I am too! Occasionally I play basketball here in Spain, and I feel like an all-star. I've got nothing to lose. Back to playing for the love of the game. No politics involved. Just pure enjoyment (and the fact that I need to get in shape! But that's another story...) <3